Because my love is mine I love you

An Anguished Cry

2006-07-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, almost always, I'm paralyzed. I want to be a hero. I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. Again. Tonight I've had a sip of courage and am screaming at the top of my inactiveness, "Tell her I love her!" I've always loved her. Poorly, but to the best of my ability. Dolores is her name. It's all there. I was my best when she loved me. Not good enough. I couldn't put it together enough to keep the girl. I know that and it makes me sad. I had it and lost it. A gambler. A loser.

Scant hero. I can't explain it, even to myself. The words are real, heartfelt, true. I would give up all for the woman I love. In a sense I have. I've given all. I've never called again. I've given up. I hope that some day it will reach her eyes, this blog, these words. If not, just tell her how I loved her.

On Today

2006-05-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

What do you suppose I'm thankful for today?

It's been years since I've seen you. Since I've heard your voice. Since I've been warmed by your smile. Warmed like the sun warmed me today. After a long winter.

Will there always be days like today? Days when the cold is gone, and the grass grows, and the people come out and hear the birds and smile. Smile even though they aren't better, or happier, or in any way more able to explain, or do, anything about anything. Will there always be days like today? Of course you don't know, and I don't know. Nobody knows. But I've had today.

Today was your smile. I've known your smile. I've had today to remind me. That will always be the warmest spot in my heart. The spot where birds sing and smiles come.

That spot you've given me is what I'm thankful for today.

Little Moments

2006-04-13T21:47:00.001-07:00

Despairing our love only rekindles every sorrow.
Everything lost, damn, eternal regret!

Even now after the passage of years I feel deep loss. How I wish I had been the man. How I wish that when you envision the man, he is me. There was a time, a moment, when that was the case.

You sent me a card. More than a card. A testament. You thanked me. "You make me whole again" were the words you used. My values were unworthy. I didn't understand then. Now, in hindsight, I can see that. You raised me to a level that was beyond me. I think I expressed that thought to you more than once. I knew. A card. Self doubt. I rose as best I could, ill prepared as I was.

What lesson then? I will tell my children, who are no longer children, I will tell them, prepare. Prepare to be your best. Prepare to meet the one you love. The one who takes away your breath away. Then your breath will not be wasted in sadness.

I don't know why I'm so blue tonight. I can close my eyes and I'm with you. We're at Princess Point. You're riding your bike. I'm running, or my version of it anyway. I so enjoyed our bike/runs. Sometimes just the two of us. Sometimes with the kids. I look at you riding and your head is cocked to the side, your not too short hair under a ball cap and tucked behind your ears. You are pedalling ahead and lost in happy thoughts. The guys approaching can't help their admiring glances. Neither can I. Your back, your curves, your legs, a brown tank top and your oh so responsive neck. You're riding a bike and I remember it still. I can smell the air and hear the birds and experience the happiness of being with you.

It's what I want for my children. To feel that way as a result of little moments with someone they love. That feeling is ever lasting. I don't know how it could last long enough. I suppose the satisfaction is in experiencing it at all.

Thank you. This is my testament.

This is how you make me whole.

Othello

2006-04-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the time we discussed Shakespeare? It was in the spare bedroom. Downstairs. Your rec room actually. Your sister had lived there for a time until she got on her feet. Then she left and some of her things were still there. Her bed. I don't know why we were going to sleep there. Maybe because your bed wasn't too restful for me. I know you loved your bed. I guess you loved me more.

There we were in the spare room with a lot of things, both hers and yours. I looked at the books on the shelves. You loved books. You loved Shakespeare. I didn't know.

"I don't much care for Shakespeare," or something equally inane was my comment.

"Here then, I have something that may interest you," was your quick reply.

Over to the shelves you scooted. Back you came, with The Far Side.

That was hilarious. So quickly you countered. I was impressed. I was entertained and I knew, again, how much the superior you were. You pulled it off seamlessly. I loved you for that. I was so proud to be in your life. Proud and very happy.

I could laugh at myself. I could appreciate you. I did both.

I still hold no affection for Shakespeare, nor have I read The Far Side.

I do get something though, as a result of that night. Something about tragedy.

End Act I

Digression

2006-04-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

I cry the selfish tears when they need crying. That is the origin of this writing. I sit and contemplate infinity. I am guilty of not living in the present. I am less than I could have been and am striving to be more. On these themes, I may later elaborate. Not now. Now I will deal with the present.

I am humbled. I have been treated to a gift. I thank the Spirit, the Light, the Being whose essence is me. With that I now turn thoughts to my gift.

Cala Lily. Hello.

You inspire. You touch. You challenge. You love. You bare yourself. How can I read your words and not absorb some small morsel of knowlege? How can I avoid borrowing from you, these talents, and using them in these times to inspire, touch and challenge you? To let you know that you are loved.

Lets take this on together. You can be as angry as you need to be. Or sad. Or as matter of fact. I am your disciple.

Scary? Okay then, my reader, lets remember that we aren't going about the business of taking over the world. We're just dealing, the best way we know, with The Lump.

2006-04-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

It was a sunny day, weren't they all, and not yet spring. We met on your lunch. Parked your car at the coffee shop and made a clean getaway. In my truck. Down by the river. I remember you wore a black top. High neck. A sweater. I talked and you talked and we talked. We were so good. Isn't it funny now? Odd. I can see you. I can feel the heat of the sun through the window, and the cool air when we opened it.

We knew about heat. We were entwined. Body and soul. I can feel the softness of your tummy against my ribs. On my right. I can feel the knit of your sweater on my fingers. Your breast. Your lips and your tongue. I can taste you. As nice as it was at that moment, it was only a hint. How hard would I fall? How hard does a guy fall when he can live this lunch again and again, and not ask for more. Only the hot sun, the cool air and the girl he would be with forever.

That's how long forever is. I know that now. One year and seven months.

Getting To Know You

2006-04-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

It was a Friday. We'd made plans to get together. Toronto. Neutral ground? I don't know. I know we weren't ready for others, the people we worked with, to know. So we were going to meet after fulfilling our evenings obligations. You were out, Curling Club. I was at a retirement party, and then we were going to meet. I think I was late, and we had a bit of a drive. I couldn't wait to be with you. We drove to your house, a half hour away. We drove fast. We dropped your car. Then life as I knew it ended.

The next minute lasted a year and seven months.

We checked into the Hilton. We were so cool. Just your average couple. Nothing to see here. That's how we acted at the desk. That's how we acted when we wanted to be discreet. Everything under the surface with us. I discovered that, soon enough. Lots to learn! The Hilton. It was the time and place and I was awakened. I'd lived fourty odd years and never been here. Never knew such a place existed. Intelligence. Beauty. Hope for mankind. The unfolding of the universe as it was intended. Mostly intelligence. Mostly beauty. Trust in each other. Trust. "Just never cheat on me" was all you asked. I never did.

2006-03-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

I couldn't wait for the phone to ring. I couldn't wait to dial your number. I'd race home after a night shift. You always left me a morning call. "Good night, thinking of you, my poor baby!" The voice, an angel, yet always an unspoken promise of devilry. How could a man sleep now? I needed more of this. More of you. I was awakened. I was alive. At night, 10:00 pm,we talked. The talks we had, too. Long distance? Please. You and I were in each others arms. In each others bed. In our little world. We teased. "Do you like lingerie? Guess which bra and panties I'm wearing." I know it sounds so tame. It is unless you know how impassioned I was, and am for you. God, I could taste you. I could scoop you in my arms and feel your body's curves. I could be with you. I could breathe you. You were with me and you were mine. 10:00 every night. Like a cliche.

My phone isn't ringing, and 10:00 pm never comes any more.

2006-03-27T13:41:00.000-08:00

Becoming Aware

How often did we talk? Business? Yes, but with an eye for each other. "What are you doing over Christmas?" I knew we needed to be with each other. You knew it too. Still, nothing happened. Not right away. It wasn't until February. A coffee at Starbucks. Conversation, with a woman unlike anyone I'd ever met. You are a cat, arms outstretched on the chair, looking away. Yes a Cheshire grin! Afterward, a kiss at your car, the door open.You closed your eyes, and I was in a dream. Back for one more kiss. Yes it was true. We talked every day, then. I was in love. I still am. I'm forever at Starbucks. Your eyes still closed, me still in a dream.

2006-03-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

11:30 p.m.
I took Honey to the Humane Society today and had her euthanised. She was peaceful and free afterwards. I cried, I envied, I called jenny and she thanked me. We cried. I know that I must suffer. There will be no passing on this heartache. This pain is mine to bear. I do it so that Jenny, Jeanny and Denny need not.Yet i would trade Honey if I could I want the peace I know she enjoys.

I love you Dolly. My tears are as real as my love. My silence as real as my tears. My thoughts of you as real as my silent longing. My constant aching as real as my joy at having been loved. I will forget you with my last breath. I will love you when time is no longer. I love you now. I love you.